For those of you that remember Grange Hill and Zammo, I will start with some clarification that this isn’t a drug rehabilitation post.
From one on one coaching conversations to group training workshops, the theme of assertiveness and the fear of saying ‘no’ regularly comes up in discussion.
Being able to say ‘no’ is essential in working life, otherwise you end up saying ‘yes’ to everything. There are many downsides to saying ‘yes’ all the time including taking on work that you hate, tasks you aren’t good at or jobs that others should be doing. It also undoubtedly take you away from what is actually important to you and your role. If you don’t manage to stop this cycle then this could (and often does) lead to an impossible work load and stress related illnesses.
So that’s the health warning….. But how can you say ‘no’ without damaging relationships and getting into a conflict situation?
1. Say ‘no’ to the task, but ‘yes’ to the person
This may sound cheesy but I quite like the phrase. It’s important to remember that most of us want to be liked by others and there is often a fear that by saying ‘no’ we are damaging relationships. If you can separate that task or request from the person then this can be a really good way to help shift your mindset and realise that if communicated in the right way, saying ‘no’ shouldn’t effect your relationships with others in a negative way.
2. Offer alternatives
You might not be able to help with this specific request at the exact time it has been asked, however you may have some suggestions of how the task itself could get done. Can you get involved at a later date? Do you know someone else who can take it on? Offering alternatives ultimately provides people with solutions, albeit a different solution to what they might have expected from you. And who doesn’t want a solution?
3. Trust
Having trusted relationships in place with your team and managers is also an important factor in being able to say ‘no’. If you know that there is a level of trust already established then saying ‘no’ is a lot easier. You tend to be less concerned about damaging a relationship if there is trust in place already and also more likely to be in tune with how others like to work so you can tailor your alternatives accordingly.
4. Facts not emotions
It almost goes without saying but saying ‘no’ works much better if you stick to the facts rather than talk about how you feel. Make sure the language you use is factual, logical and direct and avoid being over emotional and making accusations.
5. Remember…everyone is human
Even though we have may have colleagues and managers who have different personalities and communication preferences to ourselves at the end of the day we are all part of the human race. Most people are reasonable I find and react positively to a collaborative and helpful conversation.
6. Practice
Some of the best advice I was given on this topic was to make sure I practiced how to say ‘no’. This may feel a bit over the top but it really helped me feel more confident. It might even help to actually script what you want to say to someone who has made a request – word for word. Or use past experiences and script what you could have said differently. There is also lots of evidence we now know through neuroscience that shows how doing something again and again helps our actions become more automatic and feel more comfortable.
Saying ‘no’ doesn’t have turn into a conflict and doesn’t have to end in late or even sleepless nights. Obviously there will be occasions when you do just have to take on tasks that you don’t want to do but there is certainly room with most of us to take a leaf out of Zammos book and just say ‘NO’ more often.