I am lucky enough to be married to and work with a partner who has been fascinated for years with psychology, neuroscience and behavioural therapies. He’s also an accredited and experienced coach. Now, to say our evenings are one long therapy session on the sofa would be overstating it – Netflix and wine always win out – but we do talk and analyse A LOT! (and yes the wine can help with that)
Over the last 10 years since the birth of our daughter Ava and launching Thrive, the topic of resilience is one Dan and I have discussed many times. The stress I felt as a new mum was overwhelming at times and then three years ago stepping out of media agency world to run my own business had its own set of challenges. Through these experiences and the research I have done since becoming a trainer and coach, I have learnt a lot about myself and the importance that stress relief and resilience plays both at home and at work.
This is a vast topic but I want to share a few of the most interesting finds that I have discovered that have helped me personally.
1. E+R=O
When I found this equation it really resonated with me. The E stands for Event, the R for Reaction and the O for…..Outcome. Basically, it’s not just the event itself that shapes the outcome, its how you react to the event too. The first time I saw this I immediately felt a sense of empowerment. I might not be able to control the events that are thrown at me but I can try and control my reaction to them. A simple thought which is really thought provoking and has helped me consider the unhelpful reactions I often have to events and what alternative more resourceful reactions could look like.
2. Where stress comes from
At several times in my life my mind and body has felt on ‘high alert’. I have learnt that my physical reactions to stress such as heart and breathing rate increase and my emotional reactions of anxiety, impatience and even aggression are actually all perfectly natural. This understanding has helped immensely. Stress was a healthy reaction to everyday life for our ancestors when they were faced with daily threatening scenarios. In fact it is due to this survival tactic that humans have survived and dominated as a species. But today we experience the world in a very different way. Daily life and death situations don’t tend to present themselves thank goodness, however this fight or flight system still remains hard-wired into us.
3. A resourceful mindset
From anxiety over client pitches to being awake at 2am with a poorly toddler, it is usually negative thoughts that tend to dominate. Or is that just me? What if I don’t know how to answer their questions in the pitch? What if she has scarlet fever? These thoughts, unless they are managed, often spiral quickly into a torrent of negativity, which leads us to feel stressed and anxious. Recognising negative thoughts and challenging them is a skill that you need to practice and keep practicing. I speak from experience that this approach requires effort but can really help find the balance to reacting resourcefully to being completely overwhelmed. Obviously if negative thoughts are more deep rooted in beliefs you have about yourself and others then therapy, coaching or other forms of ‘talking therapy’ are available and can help enormously. But next time you have a negative limiting thought when faced with a stressful event – stop yourself and ask whether there is an alternative way to think about this? Could the pitch actually go OK? Maybe she’ll be fine in the morning?
4. Mindfulness
Have you ever been driving and arrived at your desitnation only to realise you remember nothing about your journey? Or started eating a packet of crisps and noticed all you have left in your hand is an empty packet? I’m sure most of us have. These are common examples of mindlessness, where we are constantly striving to get stuff done instead of really living IN THE MOMENT, NOW. Mindfulness is the opposite of this. I have always been a very active person, and the idea of sitting quietly somewhere to be ‘mindful’ has never really appealed. However, there is more and more evidence to suggest that making time to be mindful has real benefits in terms of helping with stress. With great apps like Headspace available (www.headspace.com) that allows you to be mindful for 10 minutes a day there is no excuse not to give this a go. If consciously clearing your brain and breathing deeply isn’t your thing then there are plenty of other alternatives that help you be present in the here and now. Churchill liked brick laying….if you visit Chartwell there are lots of walls that he built around the grounds. Cooking, gardening, colouring or painting can all have the same therapeutic benefits. If you are active like I am, running or a gym work out might do the trick for you. Without fail it’s when I read my daughter a bedtime story that I make an effort to be mindful. I read the words and ‘get into’ the story and enjoy that time just being present with her.
Stress can be triggered by work or home life but both are likely to be impacted. Employers therefore need to be engaged in the conversation around wellbeing as there are major risks to both profits and people if they aren’t supporting staff in this way. At Thrive we work with a lot of clients on resilience programmes. See our case studies and client testimonials for more information